There are some books so raw with emotion that it is almost painful to read them: My Name is Million is one of these. Published anonymously in 1940, it is a memoir of the terrifying first months of the war by Lucy Zoe Girling Zajdler, an Anglo-Irish writer (who published as Martin Hare) who was married to a Pole and living in Warsaw when the war broke out.
Writing from England and still reeling from her experiences, Zajdler treads an interesting line between passion and detachment. They feel like they should be polar opposites but perhaps it is the only way to write your way through the kind of shock Zajdler was still in, having lost so much so quickly. And, as she describes, it was hard to feel much of anything normal during such abnormal times:
After I had lost everything, when not a stone, not a piece of paper, not a stitch of clothing remained of what a few weeks before had been our homes and the accumulation of two people’s whole lives; when I never knew whether I should eat again, sleep or wake, live or die, from one second to another; when I had seen everything I had cared for collapse like a house of cards, a nation stretched out on the cross, a fair country burning behind me like a box of matches and hell itself opening in front of me, there were whole days when I never suffered anything. I was incapable of passion, even of fears; even of the desire for revenge. All that was left was the human instinct for some roof of my own, some place to crawl into.
While not unexpected, the speed of the German invasion in September 1939 was famously shocking. Proud Poland fought a terribly brief and bloody defense, but to no avail – and, shamefully for an Englishwoman, with no support from her supposed allies. Within weeks, thousands were dead, cities were razed, and the country was being divided between the Germans and Soviets. But Zajdler would not have had it any other way:
We were all of us wrong, about nearly everything. Except about one thing. We knew what was coming. We preferred it to dishonour. We have paid, probably, the most fearful price in all history. But we were right to do it. We would do it again. None of us, not one of us, with all our faults, with all our quarrels, with all our regrets, if put to the same test, but would do the same thing again.
Writing in 1940, yes, some of this is propaganda. It is a reminder to the English, who dawdled with their declaration of war while their ally faced tanks, bombers, and fighter planes alone, that there are things worth fighting for. But this martial pride is also such an integral part of the Polish character. Later in their travels, a Lithuanian solider, amazed at his neighbours’ insane gallantry, comments “It is all pride with you. Polski honor! A man does not need honor. What he needs is bread and a warm coat.” Zajdler has a quick retort for him: “And you have both, and the Poles have neither. Each has what he prefers.”
From Warsaw, Zajdler and her husband (who, like the majority of their friends, is referred to only by his first initial – A.) find themselves joining a flow of refugees looking for safety. Injured and exhausted, they make their way to the country estate of an elderly family friend who has seen her home seized and destroyed several times in past conflicts and knows this will happen again. The Soviets are advancing, the village peasants are feeling torn between customary feudal obeisance and the lure of communism, and the estate’s ever-growing population of aristocratic refugees is caught in a world of surreal horror, with all the elements of an elegant house party contrasted with total war:
All the accessories of a normal life still miraculously existed. Only the life was not normal. In the middle of a forced conversation somebody would suddenly stop dead. The jokes were too successful. Everybody was too ready to be amused. The ones who were being amusing, looking round at the other haggard faces, would suddenly realise what their own must be like, and give it up. Getting through time was like trying to swim in the Dead Sea. We did the most incredible, fantastic things. Like sitting under an arbour smothered in roses, reading novels from the library in Pinsk! Whatever else I forget, I shall never forget the horror of that sort of thing. In Warsaw, women were throwing themselves against the German tanks, into a jet of machine-gun bullets, with buckets of boiling water. Warsaw schoolchildren were standing night and day on the roofs of houses, shovelling off the incendiary bombs before they had time to burn through.
In the end, Zajdler is unable to describe her escape. One paragraph bleakly outlines the facts: from Poland, she and her husband made their way to Lithuania, Latvia, and finally Estonia, where they boarded a neutral ship and set off for Sweden. Their boat was captured by Germans, Zajdler and her husband were handed over to the Gestapo, and, though Zajdler was quickly released and made it to England, she never saw her husband again. Even though Zajdler was writing just months later and there was no official word of what had happened to her husband, she had seen enough of the Germans to know he would not survive – and she was, we know reading with the benefit of hindsight, absolutely correct.
I am always interested in reading about Poland during the first months of the war and this was a very worthy addition to my education, especially since Zajdler journeyed east and I found it fascinating to learn more about reactions there to the Soviet occupation. I was also reminded of Helen MacInnes’ excellent spy novel, While Still We Live, which focused on an Englishwoman in Poland at the outbreak of the war and her experiences. MacInnes clearly did her research as what Zajdler describes is very similar to what is in that novel.
Zajdler’s eye for detail and utter lack of self-pity make her a fascinating guide to a horrifying period and I’m so glad an article in Slightly Foxed brought this memoir to my attention.