The Bedroom at Auppegard, France, Girl Reading by Ethel Sands
I am having a bit of a “woe is me” weekend. The stress of this ridiculously unlucky year has been catching up with me over the last month or two and my naturally cheery self is nowhere to be found. This is very poor timing since I should be extra industrious this month, studying hard for my upcoming exam. Except I barely have the mental capacity to write a grocery list, never mind cramming tax rules and investment theories into my overwhelmed little brain, after a full day at work. This is my third exam of the year but by far the largest. I keep telling myself I need to buckle down and work hard for just a few more weeks and then I can relax and take a few months off of studying before starting on the next set of courses. This is very true and very sound advice. I just need to act on it.
Saturday was not an impressive day in the life of Claire. It started well enough but quickly went off the rails. My computer died a quick and entirely unexpected death. If you were ever hoping for a review of the Sylvia Townsend Warner letters I keep mentioning, I apologize. My notes are lost forever. Also, I have now spent 24 hours looking for my Microsoft Office installation CD and it is nowhere to be found. A small thing – at least I have the internet up and working again – but enough to drive me batty in my current mood. My favourite sweater bled in the wash. I forgot to buy key ingredients for dinner but of course didn’t realise until I was halfway through cooking it. My hairdresser worried that I might have a serious health issue because of a recent change she’s noticed in my hair. This of course led to deeply distressing internet searches. For a nice distraction, I thought I’d go see the new James Bond film at my local theatre. I got there 40 minutes ahead of showtime and it was sold out.
Usually, I am up to this level of chaos. I am resilient and cheerful. I am generally considered to be charming and optimistic. I take things in my stride and move forward. Yesterday, I just wanted to hit something. Very hard. Or take up drinking. Instead, I had a hot bath, finished reading A.D. Scott’s A Double Death on the Black Isle (not as good as the first book in the series – or was is that just my cross mood colouring my view of it?) and went to bed early.
Today, I tried to calm myself. I did yard work. I bought flowers for myself. I went for a lovely walk in the woods. I attended a concert of Mozart’s Requiem. But I still feel frazzled and exhausted. And tomorrow, another work week starts.
The Mozart concert today was held at a church and before the music started, there was a reading. It was Ecclesiastes 3 – a passage even heathens like me are familiar with:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
This last year has been a trying season of my life and in the lives of those around me. I keep telling myself things will get easier after X is done. But we’ve been through five or six X events now and it’s not getting any easier. It’s not getting worse, though. There is that. I am still hopeful that once I get through this exam at the end of the month, I’ll be able to relax properly for the first time since last November. Fingers crossed.
Meanwhile, I keep reading more novels than I should. Definitely more historical novels than I should in my current mood (damn you Mr. Trollope and Ms. Heyer for being so irresistible). There is nothing so alluring to me right now as a heroine who only needs to worry about her family and her romantic life. How simple that sounds! How much easier than having to balance that with full-time work and further career ambitions! If you know of any gentleman of means looking for a sensible, financially-savvy wife to serve as chatelaine of his profitable estate, please send him my way. Immediately.
Hugs and hoping this week is better. Bah to frustrations and annoyances!
Thank you. Bah indeed!
Does it help to say I love your blog with its accompanying picture? Can’t even begin to imagine how you fit everything in!
🙂 G
It does help, thank you. Blogging is actually very calming when I find myself stressed, mostly because of all the lovely readers/bloggers it brings me into contact with.
Your honesty is very beautiful. I love your blog. I am sorry the past yeR has had many challenges. Continue to be yourself and do something nice for yourself each day. Enjoy the small moments and your beloved books!
Thank you, Susan.
Aw, hon. It sounds like you’re having a really hard time, and I’m so sorry. This is a super minor thing but: Did you ever find the Microsoft Office installation CD? If you didn’t, email me, yeah? I get a big discount on those programs through work and I can hook you up if you wish.
Thanks, Jenny. And thanks for the kind offer. I’m still searching for the CD and I know it exists somewhere in this house! Somewhere is just yet to be determined…
It’s true, there are some seasons that are tougher than others. Hoping this is a short season.
Thanks. I’m hoping the same!
A bit of woe… a bit of an under statement – you need a hug, few cups of tea and a nice long book.
A very sound prescription, Kath.
Oh Claire so sorry you are feeling this way. It will pass. You will be getting lots of virtual hugs this next few days — hope they will help.
Thank you, Harriet. The virtual hugs definitely help.
I’m sure you’ll feel much more yourself and able to cope when the studies are done – they can add a lot of extra (though necessary) stress! Hang in there, and try not to worry about relatively minor disasters like computer hell and ruined sweaters. Save it for the big stuff, and let’s hope there IS no more big bad stuff! Take care.
The irony is that I’m very good at big stuff. It’s just this mountain of little things that overwhelms me. But I will conquer it soon enough!
Keep on keeping on, babe. Worse things happen ar sea ! We all love you.
Thanks!
My experiences this year have been a little different, but at times very woeful, so I understand and sympathize. But I do think that the little steps we take (flowers, walks, lots of bad books and then again lots of Trollope and Heyer) are what eventually get us through. Reading the Antonia Fraser is doing that for me right now, thanks to you! Wishing you brighter days, minute by minute!
Thanks, Audrey. Your Antonia Fraser posts have been a real highlight for me lately.
I am sorry to hear about your rough weekend. Sudden computer death can feel catastrophic. I hope you’re able to recover some material. Yard work and flowers are a good pancea (at least, they help me). Yank some weeds out with your frustration and smile at the flowers.
I’m afraid it’s a blank slate with the computer – but fresh starts are good too!
A “bit” of a woe-is-me weekend?! I think not. That sounds like the kind of weekend that could qualify for being called completely awful. Sending a warm virtual hug your way, and regretting that I am fresh out of leads on profitable-estate-burdened single gentlemen. It sounds like your sense of humour is peeking through the gloom, Claire – hang onto that, as it is one of our strongest defenses against the inevitable crappiness of the low points in life.Best of luck on the exam later this month, and hoping that you can then indeed feel some of the pressure ease off. Regardless of anything else, wishing you good books to escape into, and lots of them. You can do it – keep your chin up and go out into that Monday morning knowing you have the united best wishes of all of us behind you!
Many thanks, Barb. It’s obviously a frustrating period but I know it will end soon – just not soon enough. And I need to curb the desire to escape into books! Reading – at least things that are not my textbooks – is not the answer, at least for the next couple of weeks.
Our weekends sound similar. Are you born in the year of the Ox by any chance? If so, it’s not a good year for us. If you have any friends born in the year of the dog (1958, 1970, 1982, 1994) you should try and hang out with them. Or real dogs – they totally count. Next year should be better.
Of course, if you’re not an Ox, this means nothing. But it will get better. Sounds like reading novels in the bath is as good a plan as any to get through it!
I am a Tiger, not an Ox. But the idea of hanging out with a dog definitely appeals. That always helps.
Oh Claire…you have come to the right place! Okay, I know it’s your place to begin with, but virtual hugs abound. It sounds like there’s still a thread of humour behind that stressed exterior…hang in there.
Thanks, Darlene. Virtual hugs are much appreciated.
I have certainly found that my mood as made me less receptive than I might otherwise have been to many books I have read, or tried to read, this year. I hope things get better for you soon.
Thanks, David. I went back and reread some of the passages that bothered me in the book and have concluded it’s just bad writing, not my bad mood. I found this deeply cheering.
Sweet Claire, you make me smile, even when you’re feeling cranky. You are not alone in your retreat into literature. I read all of Balzac’s Human Comedy (in translation) when I should have been studying for my first college finals. The good news is, I did well on the finals anyway. There is no bad news. Your good news for the moment is: 2015 is on its deathbed. Roll on 2016!
Oh man, I perfected reading as an avoidance tactic during exam time at university. I am so much more disciplined now than I ever was then, thank god. I used to specialise in finding a new, lengthy series to read about a month before finals. Always manage to pull the exams off but it was bit touch and go when I discovered Diana Gabaldon’s “Outlander” series in second year.
Heyer is a wonderful comfort read — please don’t try to feel guilty for realizing this! I recommend Faro’s Daughter, because sometimes you just want to run the world through and through and through, even though you can’t do that, even if you were a man (says the aunt, feebly). Best wishes to get through these weeks and start having a better year.
I could never feel guilty about choosing Heyer, just about reading her at such an inappropriate moment! Once I’m done studying, there will be a Heyer binge! (and Faro’s Daughter has already been pulled from the shelf in anticipation of that happy day)
I share your pain, my world is feeling similarly dreadful, so sending you a big hug x
Right back at you. Take care.
I’m so sorry life is showing itself to you in difficult season, at the moment. You seem to be carefully trying to stand outside the potential overwhelm of it, and are doing kind things for yourself, whilst you patently wait for a kindlier season to arise. I hope Mozart, an apposite reading, the kind wishes of strangers and friends, not to mention the enormous comfort of books, will ease you out from under.
I really resonate with all you say re the little stuff – much of the big stuff we work hard preparing ourselves to deal with, but the sneaky leaping out of the unexpected often minor straws, do overwhelm the camel’s back!
Thank you.
Feeling very much the same at the moment. Think the best thing you can do is admit it all feels a bit much and try and get plenty of sleep. Hope you feel less frazzled soon.
Thanks, Hayley. Same to you!
So sorry it’s been such a rough go. Things will get better. Hang in there. And if I find that gentleman I will send him your way!
Thanks, Stefanie!