The Captive Reader

The Summer Garden, St Petersburg

More from The Harold Nicolson Diaries today.  When HN was in his early twenties and studying for entry into the Foreign Office, his father was serving as Ambassador in St Petersburg, nearing the end of a diplomatic career that had seen him posted to Berlin, Peking, Tehran (where HN was born), Madrid, Tangiers and several other exotic locales.  Preparing to spend Christmas with them in Russia, HN wrote his parents this outrageous note in December 1908 before his arrival to outline their duties to him as hosts and parents.  Hopefully it amused them to read it as much as it clearly amused him to write it :

Remember that before I come to St Petersburg I insist on being guaranteed against:
(1) (a) hash (b) curry (c) Irish stew (d) mince (e) ragout (f) cold mutton (g) pork in any form (h) English potatoes (i) Dutch cheeses (j) cold water to drink (k) celery
(2) The use of the word “couch” for sofa, or “serviette” for napkin
(3) The casual reference to younger sons of peers as “The Honourable”
(4) The expressions “week-end” or “out of town”
(5) The wearing of a handkerchief up the sleeve
(6) The leaving of long black hairs in the bath
(7) The pronunciation of the words “Haldane” as “Halldane” or “Derby” as “Darby”
(8) Any morbid questions as to “how I liked wrens?”
(9) Any social functions of any sort
(10) Any arguments raised against my having caviare & three baths a day
(11) Any resentment at my interrupting you writing your letters
(12) Any undue affection on arrival
(13) Any exhortations to go down to the Chancery & talk to them
(14) Any discussions as to my health
(15) – or my underclothes
(16) – or my luggage labels
(17) – or to the date of my departure
(18) – or the fact that my fur-coat doesn’t button up to the chin
(19) Any suggestion that I buy books which I don’t read
(20) – or that I don’t grasp the books I do read
(21) Any reflections on my French –
(22) – or German accent